...then the admissions started raining in.
It was intoxicating, the exhilarating feeling that washes through your veins, as adrenaline keeps you energized enough to receive babies.
All 5 of them. Only one of which, I (did) admit as mein.
4 of the babies were given to mein superiors: Kriska and Jeje, glowing from the toxicity. It was very depressing and (sorta) disheartening.
Then there's this.
Litlle shite, whose familial relations to the Queen Hussy (Mightiest, Insecure wench that ever was), had the imaginary balls to even INSIST on moi' driving the bigass SUV.
Let's see you try driving the SUV, all through the hours of the busy afternoon. Now, I understand why so many people are pissed off when they're driving (to insanity) from maneuvering their (manual) wheels and traffic.
Fuckin' wench. Please let there be a footnote next time? You do have a car, why not use yours? You're so insistent of using what's being used by (other) people., WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU USE YOUR OWN DAMNED METAL BOX!?!?!?
I hate it when people misunderstand me. Yes, there might be minuscule bit of jealously but the rest of it is just plain rage. Rage that just because.....please they DO have the fuckin' money. Why not just take a damned cab?? Better yet...USE YOUR FUCKING OWN!?!?!?
I hate people like you! I honestly hate your damned female creator. I hate your fuckin' comments about every damned thing. Yes, we (also ) do that. But not to the point of making a damned commentary on EVERY fuckin' thing.
And please, PLEASE do shut your gob off your damned Mum. She's makes too much of a scandal (for her own good). Like a psychotic Mrs. Weasley. Very misguided and (wannabe) omniscient. Reporting every fuckin' thing.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed that I'm not in the first batch. I'm all crushed inside because we're not going to see each other anymore. There's little chance that we could hang around again. And I'll really miss that.
I got quickly attached. I bonded. Easily let you to my self. I even showed you how beastly I can be.
I showed the ugliest I can be. Both in wrath and depression, I did not fully understand why you'll still let yourself be surrounded by such cynical soul like me.
When you could be doing a lot more with everybody else.
Instead, you hanged out with the loner. The prat who has only a friend. But oftentimes, is alone in the corner. Biding her time with notes, music and force-feeding her mind with the lectures she can't easily grasp.....because she's too slow.
You even helped me out. When you were struggling yourself. Told me more about yourself than the people you surround yourself with. Insights, experiences, secrets and dreams you rarely told to anyone else.
Whilst I myself did not even told you as much.
I did not tell you how No-Good I really am. How alike I am to Tsuna in this class. I failed THREE times, did you not know? It was only from the divine intervention that cannot be named, that I passed and was given opportunity to meet brilliant people like you.
I was and am still a failure. I was secretly very afraid that you'd reject me you know? That's why I told only bits of myself. If you really scrutinized everything I told about myself. You'd be surprised how inconsistent I can be.
But instead, you just smiled and accepted me. Despite how blank my profile can be. I told you my dreams. But only the accepted ones.
If I told you that I wanted to die now. Would you still accept me? If I wanted to end it all because I did not want to be a burden to the people I love, would you still treat me as your friend?
I even showed you a minuscule part of the rage I keep inside. How beastly and leonine I can be. The sarcasm and deep rages, I keep within this Passive-Aggressive, semi-bipolar self.
I really feel bad. That I did not tell you so. Because now I feel that you were on the short end of the 'friend' stick.
I am a bad friend. So do I keep on befriending rare nice people? The keepers? Does God punish me or something? Does he mock me with roles and examples of how I should be?
I hate partings. I hate getting attached then letting you go away again. But I am grateful. Really grateful that you made feel alive (and human) again. That I still have that small part in me that can trust (and befriend) people. Despite all the (ninja-level) secrets.
I'm sorry I was the loner. I'm sorry that you befriended such a loser. A loser that has divine interventions, but really lack the skills. There are far greater, nicer persons than I. I'm sorry you got held up by the No-Good loser.
You were like my Iceberg. I quickly got attached and now refused to let you go. But it was just a few days...so why?
You were like one of my potential heterosexual life-partners. It was so sad, we are to part soon.
I said sorry (now.) So, Will you stay?
Pleasepleaseplease don't forget me. Please still be a friend. Don't be a stranger. Please.
Anxiety Mission Log: Stardate-2012.2.12. Anti-nostalgia and the emotional seizures that come with it
It was a letter asking for possible reconciliation from an ex-best friend that had hurt me very deeply back in High school.
It's possibly my fault that it's the only way I could be searched by her (FB fail. X_x).. I erased everything else. (or hid it from her in LJ).
My friends that still keep in touch with her, told me that she might've gotten her lesson in College. She probably met more people with the same interests and orientation as mine. People that are far outspoken when it comes to bigots like her.
I'm a very temperamental person. But when it comes to my close/best friends, I'm a big softie. That is probably why I didn't speak out against (or defended myself) from her. I didn't want to hurt her by saying insensitive things back. She's from a very sheltered (and well-provided) home. I guess, if I went RAWR back. She might just take it a point against my commoner roots/lifestyle.
She was a very bigoted person.
And she was my best friend. I didn't know then that she had that hatred and prejudice for real people with relationships of the same sex. I thought that it would be fine because she's very okay with watching/reading works pertaining to Yaoi (or anything concerning the same sex)..
It went for years (not knowing).
It hurt, being lied to all this time.
It all started when I opened up to her, my sexuality. I told her I was bisexual. I confessed I like playing games a lot because I grew up with them. Not because it's the new/fad thing that's been going around in school (during that time).. Students in our high school tend to follow trends/fads very religiously. So at that time, anime and playing video games were the thing. It's because for them it looked cool (and attracted boys with the knowledge) about the new consoles coming out with remakes of famous games from way back. It turned several people into a bunch of know-it-alls. Heh.
I was judged not only because I'm bisexual, but from other things as well. She made some extremely hateful and insensitive comments about the hobbies and interests that I was (and still) currently into like loving my fandoms, reading brilliant fan fictions, and even being a gamer. According to her, it was disgusting, immoral and very useless kinds of interests.
She even made this extremely insensitive post/letter on her blog about homosexuality (and all things that come with it- fandoms and the like), and posted it in public. Citing a very not-subtle jab to me and "my hobbies and interests that displays extreme acts of immorality".
Yes, I have these interests. But it doesn't necessarily mean I also engage in it. I'm too busying getting good grades (and balancing said immoral interests).
That incident severely crippled my self-esteem and robbed me of confidence (that I badly needed during that time. Hello College Entrance Exams!). It greatly affected my relationship with some of my peers because it was shown in public.
It got very ugly.
I didn't react when other people defended me. I know who I am. I won't change myself for her. What's bad and traumatizing is that she tried to cure or lead my remaining friends to the "normal" side.
What's very amusing is that the same people she tried swaying over to the "righteous and normal" side, are the same people who love and have the same interests as "the deviant one". We've been friends far longer than she has. Haha.
What's very painful is that when I met new friends who I got along with a lot better than her. She said bad things, about me, to them behind my back. Main point of being bad, is I have depraved hobbies like fandoms, (yaoi) anime, weird literature and am bisexual.
I asked myself, "Why didn't she let me have my peace?". I did not stoop down to her level and fought her for every bad thing she did to me.
I...It took a very long while to fix myself after that.
Being forced to undo the suppression of memories (and deep emotional pain) that indirectly affected the way I look things today, was painful. I guess, my motivation for striving for the best got it's origin from "that". Prove to myself that I can do (and achieve) things despite looking and feeling things in a different perspective.
It was hard trying to trust people again. Or at least people who I might have future relations with (friends, peers, loved ones). I found friends in College who accept me for who I am. Had relationships both sides of the spectrum, so to say.
Honestly, I do not know what to do.
I.... I think I'm not ready yet.
I don't want to be rejected....again.
I'm so tired...
I want to set that wench on fire. Such a shitty day.
Being impulsively reprimanded by someone who doesn't know shit, is very, very insulting. How else would I react? Smile? Laugh? Of course, I'd be bloody pissed! Wankers.
No matter how many times, you've told them. Time and time again, how bad it would go. She still wanted her own way.
She doesn't know shit, what happen. So please, stop fucking up with me because you've only added to the many, idiotic reasons why this day is full of crap.
Fuckin' gov'tment wench, I hope you rot in hell. Fugly douchebag.
And dear know it alls, stop it.
Fuck you. Seriously.
I'm in a standstill today. I can't ever decide if my face will change from the ever frowning to the pitiful bawling mask one shows whenever in deep, deep emotional pain.
It's like an ages-old wound, left festered to rot. Rot away while poisoning the flesh inside.
It seems like an achievement for me really. Thinking that I've finally accomplished something of a good thing. But it was not really....it really was like a dream.
A dream that an was going so smoothly. Littered with happy endings and fruitful wishes. Wishes and hopes that could one day become true.
But like all dreams, it was never as it seemed. A picture, thought, an occasion dressed as an ugly creature haunted that dream.
My dreams as always were never this disastrous or mortifying as this one. Which led me to believe, since when did I care about other people think? I was so used to using that as a crutch.....that I never did regain that sense of self that I had.
Back from my glory days.
It is very disheartening. This thing. Somebody beat you to it. It was never that simple to begin with. It might not even come to that.
So, why regret? I can't help it. Regretting. You see, this is the poison that came with it. Regret, with it disappointment and resentment. I don't want that fester in my soul. I just want to feel productive. Productive but never used.
Why didn't she tell it in the first place? That she would be training there? WIll it seem very arrogant? Yes. How the mighty hath fallen.
How will I pick myself up? Pick up the pieces?
Pleaseplease help. I need help.
Don't let me fester this in my soul.
Because it poisons. It reeks. Reeks heavily of negative things. I don't want negative things.
This. It's my last chance to redeem myself/ Please let me pass. Please let me push through. I badly need it. I'm in need of it's assurance. Call me coward. I am but a self-preserving Slytherin
I want to survive.
Make me feel alive.
Please. Oh, please. Give me this opportunity.
Whoever's up there. Whatever deity/Supreme being who's listening. Please let me pass. Pass enough to be given the chance. As in 80%.
Give me knowledge. Guide me. Strengthen my nerves and courage to pull through. Revive my dying will. I have a lot of regrets.
I know, I haven't yet reach the stage of dying. But if you want, I could. I would.
I don't wanna be useless. Yes, it's fulfilling. But I am on borrowed time here. It depresses me so. How easily I get left behind.
Pleasepleaseplease don't let me be behind.
I don't wanna be left alone. I won't
Give me this chance. Let me pass. I'll even let those fools use this computer for work. And not selfishly, use this for myself.
I badly need this. Did I not state this earlier? How every phrase, paragraph from up above this entry states so?
Please Lord. Pleasepleaseplease. Let me pass this.
My head is reeling from all the angst.
I realized how much I had going......and subsequently easy it is to fade away.
I missed everything. I miss my old self.
The one so fiery. I guess, like a certain Arthur, my pirate!days are over. I'm now the bitter old shell of the wild and reckless.....untamed being I was back in the olden days. We even had the same thing going. Although, I'm not immortal. My bitterness and loneliness drugged me to the gills at god damned twenty two. I even had the same delusions. Delusions, I won't name because it is far too many.
I won't add to that by denying it.
It aches. Aches so much. Abusing my physical body seems to be the only thing that keeps me grounded. Everything's a lie.
That numb sensation, of pitting yourself against everything. Just to reassure oneself that you're real. That you are still there.
still there alive. awake and mentally breathing.
So I pray. To whomever. If I go out, what purpose will I fulfill? If I stay, what productivity will I achieve? If I try, what sense will it make?
Can I just sleep? Sleep forever? Or trap me in a cocoon? Gorge myself in things that make sense.
Abuse oneself into turning you real? Just to see a certain spark?
If I break down now, because I'm in near to snapping the threads of my self-imposed reality, can I will myself back?
Can I bring myself back to face the world? I once stated in a previous post, how utterly Slytherin I am.
Call me coward. I don't care. I value myself enough to spare me the pain. But isn't being in pain, makes you feel alive? The masochism tendencies I've been forever practicing are really painful to reminisce.
I feel so fractured inside. Everything's in a standstill.
Come on. Make me feel alive.
That I've been (and will be) left behind (again).
I'm not counted again.
Always, always always the last person....to be considered. Always...
Dammit!! Do you know how much I sacrifice my (thrice-damned) time in this?
I look forward to it.....then I'm told. :"Sorry. Hinde na kasya. Hinde na sasabay si Ate Angel" Dammit! I just want to.....break something. (and cry).
damn you!! Damn you!!
Fuck you world!
I'm currently reaching the (breaking) end point. I thought. I thought, that having them as a group for affliation is...going to be great. But...I feel bummed out. Stretched to the limit. Like I don't who to please first.
Would I please myself? Her? Him? Whoever? Yes. I know that I am just one person....
butbutbutbut. I can only take this much before I break into several broken pieces...thing.
I'm being pressured from all sides. I'm counting on my iceberg to not add to the stress. She's uhhh the calm/pillar/foundation that keeps me from breaking (or raging) nowadays.
Please please please let it all be resolved in a peaceful....(non-hurting) friendship sparing way.
Hel knows how much I'd break if it goes worst.
Because frankly, I'm losing my identity of self. I don't recognize myself anymore. Maybe that pseudo fortune teller was right. I am working soooo damned hard for something that I haven't even thought of ending. I don't know the endpoint yet...that's why it's so fucking frustrating. Sweat, tears, blood, and damned time. Those are the things that are wasted.
I really am confused, frustrated and damned fucking pissed off at life in general. Pointing it out to me that life is blah silver linings and shit pisses me off even more.
It's not my fault that I am and always will be this way. I'm sorry for breathing, living and generally wasting air. It's not my fault that I was born alive.
I hate it that people really, I mean really try to understand but hell....pitying me isn't gonna help one bit lazy asses!
Like yesterday, I came from school relieved and placid. But nooooooo...my good day just had to be ruined because once again I was left hanging. I was freaking left behind!!
These are the times when I just hate my reclusive course. Not only will you sacrifice a hell lot of cash but also your really, really precious time, friends and even family.
I'm sick and tired of being left behind. Study, study, study...do damned mandatory service aka duty. That's all I've been doing!!!! If I knew that this course would make me as reclusive as a damned fucking monk then I should've gone and become a thrice-damned NUN!!!
Dammit!!! Even if I'm ranting and shit....they keep on reminding me that it's just one year left. But still, even then this summer...when my cousins that came back here to this damned rock we call the Philippines....I haven't had the time to bond, chit chat and generally make fools of ourselves......please just give the chance, let me rest myself from all that migraine-inducing stressors we call fucking schjool, wenches, gits and goddamned chits.
So now, I'm gonna vent it out on Tsuna being cock-blocked for hours by Xanxus because he's enraged (as usual) and possessive and (damned jealous) because of his Tsuna unknowingly being seductive and lusted over by damned trash (in fuckin' Vongola).
Heh. I love BDSM between my muses.
Whenever I'm in my usual mood of angst, anger and generally Fuck the world...it's always my (uke/submissive) who gets an (ass) pounding that can be felt for a week.
YAY!! For X27!!!!
I hate this!!