crimson89: (Default)
  I received a very long message via FB recently. 

It was a letter asking for possible reconciliation from an ex-best friend that had hurt me very deeply back in High school.
It's possibly my fault that it's the only way I could be searched by her (FB fail. X_x).. I erased everything else. (or hid it from her in LJ).

 My friends that still keep in touch with her, told me that she might've gotten her lesson in College. She probably met more people with the same interests and orientation as mine. People that are far outspoken when it comes to bigots like her.

I'm a very temperamental person. But when it comes to my close/best friends, I'm a big softie. That is probably why I didn't speak out against (or defended myself) from her. I didn't want to hurt her by saying insensitive things back. She's from a very sheltered (and well-provided) home. I guess, if I went RAWR back. She might just take it a point against my commoner roots/lifestyle.

She was a very bigoted person.

And she was my best friend. I didn't know then that she had that hatred and prejudice for real people with relationships of the same sex. I thought that it would be fine because she's very okay with watching/reading works pertaining to Yaoi (or anything concerning the same sex)..

It went for years (not knowing). 
It hurt, being lied to all this time.

It all started when I opened up to her, my sexuality. I told her I was bisexual. I confessed I like playing games a lot because I grew up with them. Not because it's the new/fad thing that's been going around in school (during that time).. Students in our high school tend to follow trends/fads very religiously. So at that time, anime and playing video games were the thing. It's because for them it looked cool (and attracted boys with the knowledge) about the new consoles coming out with remakes of famous games from way back. It turned several people into a bunch of  know-it-alls. Heh.

I was judged not only because I'm bisexual, but from other things as well.  She made some extremely hateful and insensitive comments about the hobbies and interests that I was (and still) currently into like loving my fandoms, reading brilliant fan fictions, and even being a gamer. According to her, it was disgusting, immoral and very useless kinds of interests.

She even made this extremely insensitive post/letter on her blog about homosexuality (and all things that come with it- fandoms and the like), and posted it in public. Citing a very not-subtle jab to me and "my hobbies and interests that displays extreme acts of immorality".
Yes,  I have these interests. But it doesn't necessarily mean I also engage in it. I'm too busying getting good grades (and balancing said immoral interests). 

That incident severely crippled my self-esteem and robbed me of confidence (that I badly needed during that time. Hello College Entrance Exams!). It greatly affected my relationship with some of my peers because it was shown in public. 
It got very ugly.

I didn't react when other people defended me. I know who I am. I won't change myself for her. What's bad and traumatizing is that she tried to cure or lead my remaining friends to the "normal" side.
What's very amusing is that the same people she tried swaying over to the "righteous and normal" side, are the same people who love and have the same interests as "the deviant one". We've been friends far longer than she has. Haha. 

What's very painful is that when I met new friends who I got along with a lot better than her. She said bad things, about me, to them behind my back. Main point of being bad, is I have depraved hobbies like fandoms, (yaoi) anime, weird literature and am bisexual.

I asked myself, "Why didn't she let me have my peace?". I did not stoop down to her level and fought her for every bad thing she did to me.

I...It took a very long while to fix myself after that. 

Being forced to undo the suppression of memories (and deep emotional pain) that indirectly affected the way I look things today, was painful. I guess, my motivation for striving for the best got it's origin from "that". Prove to myself that I can do (and achieve) things despite looking and feeling things in a different perspective. 

It was hard trying to trust people again. Or at least people who I might have future relations with (friends, peers, loved ones). I found friends in College who accept me for who I am. Had relationships both sides of the spectrum, so to say. 

Honestly, I do not know what to do.

I.... I think I'm not ready yet.

I don't want to be rejected....again. 

I'm so tired...


crimson89: (Default)

January 2016

10 111213141516


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 21st, 2017 11:02 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios