crimson89: not mine (pic#405806)
My nerves are......shot to hell. 

I'm in a state between cold feet and determination.

I'm handing in my resignation letter today. Wheww. Finally.

Wish me luck.
crimson89: (Default) going to badly miss you mein freund. I just wished we bonded more. I guess, I knew from the start that a person as skilled as you would get into the first batch. You really deserved.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed that I'm not in the first batch. I'm all crushed inside because we're not going to see each other anymore. There's little chance that we could hang around again. And I'll really miss that. 

I got quickly attached. I bonded. Easily let you to my self. I even showed you how beastly I can be.
I showed the ugliest I can be. Both in wrath and depression, I did not fully understand why you'll still let yourself be surrounded by such cynical soul like me.

When you could be doing a lot more with everybody else.

Instead, you hanged out with the loner. The prat who has only a friend. But oftentimes, is alone in the corner. Biding her time with notes, music and force-feeding her mind with the lectures she can't easily grasp.....because she's too slow.

You even helped me out. When you were struggling yourself. Told me more about yourself than the people you surround yourself with. Insights, experiences, secrets and dreams you rarely told to anyone else. 

Whilst I myself did not even told you as much. 

I did not tell you how No-Good I really am. How alike I am to Tsuna in this class. I failed THREE times, did you not know? It was only from the divine intervention that cannot be named, that I passed and was given opportunity to meet brilliant people like you.

I was and am still a failure. I was secretly very afraid that you'd reject me you know? That's why I told only bits of myself. If you really scrutinized everything I told about myself. You'd be surprised how inconsistent I can be.

But instead, you just smiled and accepted me. Despite how blank my profile can be. I told you my dreams. But only the accepted ones.
If I told you that I wanted to die now. Would you still accept me? If I wanted to end it all because I did not want to be a burden to the people I love, would you still treat me as your friend?

I even showed you a minuscule part of the rage I keep inside. How beastly and leonine I can be. The sarcasm and deep rages, I keep within this Passive-Aggressive, semi-bipolar self.

I really feel bad. That I did not tell you so. Because now I feel that you were on the short end of the 'friend' stick. 
I am a bad friend. So do I keep on befriending rare nice people? The keepers? Does God punish me or something? Does he mock me with roles and examples of how I should be?

I hate partings. I hate getting attached then letting you go away again. But I am grateful. Really grateful that you made feel alive (and human) again. That I still have that small part in me that can trust (and befriend) people. Despite all the (ninja-level) secrets.

I'm sorry I was the loner. I'm sorry that you befriended such a loser. A loser that has divine interventions, but really lack the skills. There are far greater, nicer persons than I. I'm sorry you got held up by the No-Good loser.

You were like my Iceberg. I quickly got attached and now refused to let you go. But it was just a few why?

You were like one of my potential heterosexual life-partners. It was so sad, we are to part soon.

I said sorry (now.) So, Will you stay? 

Pleasepleaseplease don't forget me. Please still be a friend. Don't be a stranger. Please.


crimson89: (Default)

January 2016

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